Here Comes the Sun

*Got no time to take a picture 
I'll remember someday 
all the chances we took 


We're so close to something
better left unknown 

But I knew this would be hard. A process of disentangling two lives, lived side by side, for over thirteen years. I knew it would be emotional, and complicated, and frustrating and unsettling. I knew that the beginning would be lonely. I knew that my compass would have a hard time finding its true north.  I knew that it would be strange to shop for groceries alone, pay bills alone, plan for weekends alone and make everyday decisions with no accountability yet also, no safety net.

I anticipated a squeezing of the heart. I expected tightness in my chest and a lump in my throat. What I did not expect was the long lasting fog taking up residence in my head. The days of wondering, remembering and questioning. Hours, minutes and seconds lost to memories that I can't yet categorize as good or bad...only just important enough to archive for another day. I simply didn't expect this haze permeating most of my days, coloring all of the music and flavoring most of my meals and conversations.  It is exhausting and hard.

I can feel it in my bones  
Gimme sympathy



After all of this is gone  
Who'd you rather be?  
The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?

But despite the density of the fog, some things are easier. Waking up in a soft warm bed to crisp morning air, slowly stretching, opening eyes only for coffee or a toothbrush...is a gentler transition into any morning than even the loveliest of conversations.  There is a new comforting silence and healing space involved in having one's own space at the beginning of each day.  I feel like I am getting to know an old friend that I didn't even realize I was missing. 

There are alot of purposeful decisions.  Obligation falling by the wayside, plans magically working out, schedules easily matching up.  And very few things falling between the cracks, very few.  I start to wonder about the science and art of being alone.  I wonder about cosmic timing and whether the universe has a plan.  I ponder alot of things over morning coffee.
 

You're gonna make mistakes, 
you're young 

Come on, baby, 
play me a song 
Like, "Here Comes the Sun"

But there is relief.  A glass of Baileys over ice late at night.  A calendar agreed to without tears, frustration or any misunderstandings.  Favors of fresh laundry, drives to the grocery store or extended afternoons of childcare.  Gratitude and grace have slowly started to replace pain and nostalgia. I have had such a full life.  There is so much good to be thankful for despite the current chaos.  The immediate future suggests progress and tentative confidence.

Today, a table full of gifts, plans for a graciously shared Christmas weekend with new tenderness and respect.  Words spoken a bit more softly, feelings shared a bit more openly;  a joint anticipation of a boy's first remembered Christmas.  A feeling of relief over knowing that this is in fact the right decision for so many people.

Here comes the sun.


*Song: Gimme Sympathy
Artist: Metric
Lyrics: http://www.metrolyrics.com/gimme-sympathy-lyrics-metric.html
Used without Permission